Break Denial - Break Trauma Bond to a Narcissist
Copyright Victory Overwhelming
“No matter how confused, self-doubting or ambivalent we are about what’s happening in our interactions with other people, we can never entirely silence the inner voice that always tells us the truth. We may not like the sound of the truth, and we often let it murmur just outside our consciousness, not stopping long enough to listen. But when we pay attention to it, it leads us towards wisdom, health and clarity. That voice is the guardian of our integrity.” Susan Forward, Ph.D 1
What is Denial and Trauma Bond?
Trauma bond is the ‘addiction like’ emotional attachment someone feels toward a person they are being traumatised by, leaving them with vacillating feelings (of love and hate) and ambivalence towards the traumatiser. Denial is the #1 survival kit of the trauma bonded person. Denial. is a coping mechanism to help keep pain and fear under control. The greater the fear and the more isolated the sufferer has become, the greater the denial will be. It’s a form of:
Avoiding taking responsibility for themselves
Ignoring their unbearable feelings
Holding onto the false hope of keeping the dream alive
Refusing to accept the risk of humiliation or rejection.
Why do Victims of Abuse Fall into Denial?
Trauma-bonded people often come across as weak willed. But, in fact, victims of narcissistic abuse are experiencing akrasia - (driven entirely by their emotion directed reasoning) they are making what they consider to be the best choices at the time.
What is Narcissistic Abuse?
Narcissistic abuse is a highly malevolent form of I.I.E.D - Intentional Inflict of Emotional Distress. It starts by love bombing the victim to create strong emotional ties, followed by slowly escalating abuse. Like a frog emersed in a pot of slowly boiling water, victims get caught unaware, because the abusive behaviour has become ‘normalised.’ The abuse takes the form of manipulation, coercion and gas lighting. It’s ‘crazy making’ behaviour which causes cognitive dissonance, ambivalence and procrastination. Narcissists devalue their victims, causing loss of ‘morale’ (confidence, enthusiasm and discipline).
Narcissistic abuse feels, quite literally, like rape of the mind and soul
How to Break Through Denial in Trauma Bond
Breaking trauma bond with a narcissist is not about forcibly cutting ties to the abuser. Rather, it’s a spiritual battle. By accepting and working through ‘the journey’, the sufferer can regain sovereignty over their spirit, take back their self-determination and ultimately achieve self-actualization.
Educate the victim about what narcissism is. They will thank you when they realize they’re not going crazy. This is vital for the sufferer to STOP IDOLISING the narcissist. Truth Coach – “Whatever gets my attention will eventually get me. Do I really want it to be my narcissist?”
Sufferers of narcissistic abuse need to be brought to the realization they’re flogging a dead horse. Truth Coach – “Life with the narcissist will not improve because narcissists don’t believe they’ve done anything wrong; they don’t want to change, so they won’t.”
Break through the chains of bondage by asking empowering questions. E.g.
“What will happen if this abusive behaviour continues to escalate?”
Will you wait until the pain of staying has finally been outstripped by the pain it takes to change? Or are you ready to be set free of the bonds that chain you to the narcissist?
Who else am I hurting in my refusal to face up to the truth that is evident to others? Who am I going to take down with me because they trusted me?
What emotional need does the narcissist meet that you cannot get elsewhere?
What are the beliefs I have about myself that convince me I need him/her in my life? How can I challenge those beliefs?
Do I really want to see/be with the narcissist, or just avoid the awful feeling their absence invokes in me?
4. Support them through limbic lag with the appropriate Truth Coaches - E.g., “Staying with my narcissist is not the answer to my pain, it is actually the cause of more pain still to come.” “ “This feeling is no longer appropriate. The narcissist does not deserve my love, so this feeling is becoming delusional and I must discount it.” “I can cope with this discomfort/loss/the narcissist’s reactions, because I know I need to suffer this short-term pain for the longer term benefits it’s I’m bringing into fruition.” “Living in denial ensures the future can only be more of the past.”
5. Filling their hearts with God’s love to displace the narcissist’s hold, is like changing the locks on the doors so the squatters won’t come back in. Truth Coach – “God says you are: Wonderfully and perfectly made with a sound mind and strong spirit; you are loved unconditionally loved; you are forgiven.“
6. Fill their heads with God’s absolute truth to replace the damage of the narcissist’s lies. Emphasise the truth of Jesus vs the lies of the narcissist. Truth coach - “God is not a God of confusion, but of peace.” “Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things the wrath of God is coming upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore, do not be partners with them.” Ephesians 5:6-7
7. Forgive yourself as God has forgiven you, take Christ as your vindicator to dissolve any shame.
8.The final requirement, for truly ‘moving on,’ is forgiveness. Forgiveness is cathartic and gives overwhelming peace, because you are no longer allowing their sins to have any hold over your life.
Ref:1 - Mason, P.T & Kreger R ‘Stop Walking on Eggshells’ (New Harbinger Publications, Inc.. 1998)
