Narcissistic Abuse vs Narcissistic Traits
Copyright Victory Overwhelming
In light of the recent Johnny Depp vs Amber Heard case and the #metoo craze, it would be fair to ask “Would the real narcissist please stand up?” It’s hard to imagine that only ten years ago very few people had heard the term ‘Narcissist’, let alone understood what it meant. Today it has become an overused label. It’s not uncommon to meet a couple, recently separated or feuding, where both parties claim the other is a narcissist.
Whether we like to admit it or not, we all display narcissistic traits in our behaviour from time to time. A narcissist, however, is the sort of person who will run you over and scold you for being in their way, then endlessly complain about how you intentionally damaged their car!
According to the founder of the Academy for Post Traumatic Growth in the UK, the number of people affected by narcissistic abuse worldwide is currently estimated to be between 4-8% of the world’s population. That’s up to 600 million partners, children and family members of narcissists!
To define a Narcissist, most so called ‘experts will point you to the DSM-5 (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). This lists nine-character traits, of which a person must consistently display five or more to be classified as having a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). They are:
Grandiosity with expectations of superior treatment from other people
Fixated on fantasies of power, success, intelligence, attractiveness, etc.
Self-perception of being unique, superior, and associated with high-status people and institutions
Needing continual admiration from others
Sense of entitlement to special treatment and to obedience from others
Exploitative of others to achieve personal gain
Unwilling to empathize with the feelings, wishes, and needs of other people
Intensely envious of others, and the belief that others are equally envious of them
Pompous and arrogant demeanour
You could be forgiven for thinking that sounds like most politicians!
The trouble with the DSM-5 as a diagnostic tool is, a true narcissist does not believe there is anything wrong with THEM, so the chances of getting an NPD diagnosis for a perpetrator are slim.
But as any victim of truly narcissistic abuse can tell you, the real test for determining if the abuse is narcissistic or not, is to ask the question “was there INTENTIONAL INFLICT OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS?” (IIED) This means the perpetrator of the abuse acted with ‘intentional use of extreme and outrageous conduct which results in mental anguish or physical bodily harm (not necessarily injury).
There are many types of narcissistic behaviour. What makes it so terrifying and malignant is the ‘covert’ way in which they tend to operate. Narcissists can be very charismatic and even pathological ones can be high functioning, with successful high-profile careers. A narcissist with the public persona of a ‘street angel’ is likely to be a ‘home devil’, terrorising his/her family behind closed doors.
So why don’t victims of this insidious abuse just leave? Apart from the fact that victims often still love their abusers, despite their pain, the primary reason, which most observers do not understand, is the nature of the abuse itself. Firstly, the abuse tends to build up slowly over time. So, a bit like being a frog in a slow boiling pot, the victim does not realise how bad things really are because the behaviour has become normalised. Secondly, narcissistic abuse is a definite pattern of intermittent fear inducing behaviour, inter-sped with ‘love bombing’ or some other ‘reward’, combined with ‘devaluing’ (criticism, abuse) of the victim. This initiates a stress response which causes their brain to release the addiction hormone dopamine (in anticipation of the reward). The abuse strips away the victim’s self-confidence and enthusiasm for life, causing them to lose morale and confidence in their ability to survive on their own.
Mind games (called ‘gas-lighting’) are just one of many tools’ narcissists use, causing deep mental and emotional distress which victims often describe as being worse than physical abuse. This trauma causes the prefrontal cortex (‘logical’ part) of the brain to ‘shut down’ and the emotional ‘limbic’ brain takes over. This causes ‘cognitive dissonance’ where the desire for one thing is equally matched by fear of another.
All of these things work together to keep the victim trapped in ‘trauma bond’ which is very hard to break.
So how can you tell if you, or someone you love, may be the victim of narcissistic abuse? The first signs may occur in the body, such as unexplained migraines, insomnia, anxiety, (new) food intolerances, irritable bowel syndrome, digestive complaints, heart palpitations, stomach ulcers, hormone imbalance, sadness, fatigue, depression, brain fog, confusion, forgetfulness.
Depending on how long and intense the level of abuse has been, the victim will present in one of the following states:
Freeze depression, disassociation, numb, sleepiness, isolating from others, with feelings of shame, despair, guilt, grief, denial, hopelessness.
Fawn constantly placating or colluding with the narcissist in order to stay safe.
Fight easily angered, reactionary, overwhelming emotions, over functioning.
Flight reactionary, hypervigilant, overly fearful.
For more information on warning signs or red flags visit https://wnaad.com/warning-signs-red-flags.
Narcissistic abuse creates no visible wounds, yet the damage can be long lasting and devastating, causing CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Victims often feel overwhelmed by fear, anger, guilt and confusion. They find it difficult to reach out for help, fearing they might be shamed, misjudged or that others won’t believe them. That’s why it’s important to seek help from experts who understand.
Trauma bond and CPTSD can be broken and, with the right help, the effects of narcissistic abuse can be reversed. Healing is a process, but with commitment and persistence victims can go on to achieve post traumatic growth.
If you would like more information or help from a Certified and Accredited Narcissistic Abuse Specialist™ & Trauma Informed Coach™, with first-hand experience, contact admin@victoryoverwhelming.com. We understand what you are going through.
₁In America IIED is a Tort of law whereby a plaintiff must prove the following four essential elements of IIED:
1. The defendant acted intentionally or recklessly, and 2. The defendant’s conduct was extreme and outrageous, and 3. The defendant’s action is the cause of the distress, and 4. The plaintiff suffered severe emotional distress as a result of the defendant’s conduct. Unfortunately, the Ministry of Justice did not include similar provisions in the new Family Violence Act 2018, despite the recommendation in my submission to the parliamentary select committee.
